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User blog:Pinkguy the b0ss/Sonic the Hedgehog Genesis (GBA) Review
.... ...Help me. What's up guys.... and, today.... it's time for another game review, I guess. You'll know that I've never reviewed a bad game in one of these posts. I did do a rant on Super Mario 64 DS (that I disagree with a lot of now looking back), but I've never actually reviewed a game that I can consider truly terrible. You'll also know (if you've been reading my most recent posts) that I've recently gotten into the Sonic the Hedgehog series, specifically the first three games on Sega Genesis which were released between 1991-1994. I think they're fun games, with Sonic 3 & Knuckles being my favorite of the trilogy and one of my favorite games in general. So far I haven't played a Sonic game that I can consider bad. .... ...HOO boy, let's just skip all of this and jump right in. Here's my review of Sonic Genesis for Game Boy Advance. Story Exactly the same as the original. Nothing to discuss here. You may think this section is pointless, and it is. But BELIEVE ME, for the next section (gameplay), strap in and brace yourselves. Gameplay OH MY GOOD GOD ABOVE. Sega must have been high on every single drug in existence when they decided to unleash this broken, insulting, disfunctional, confusing, and fucking HORSESHIT "game" (I don't think this herpes-infested product even qualifies as one) on the innocent public. Want to know just how BAD this game is? WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN? First off, the game has the WORST case of screen crunch I've seen in any game I have ever played. Games like DKC3 had occasional screen crunch, but at least that game was still fun and enjoyable despite this. Sonic Genesis, on the other hand, doesn't have an actual game to back this up (more on this point in a second). I mean, just look at the image on the right. JUST FUCKING LOOK AT IT. Do you SEE how awful that screen crunch is? It speaks for itself, doesn't it? Oh yeah, and want to know why I brought up DKC3 a few paragraphs ago in a comparison? That's because screen crunch is the LEAST of the problems in this product. No, it's much more than just the screen crunch. The controls are absolutely awful, especially in comparison to the original Genesis version (which, if you read my review, I think has great controls). The reason? Sonic's momentum is way, WAY'' off. If you move and let go of the d-pad at all when trying to be precise, Sonic will continue to walk for about... er... several seconds, which more often than not causes you to fall down into an enemy or stage hazard below you. Not only that, but the physics are also way off, seeming completely spontaneous. Alright, ready for the worst thing about this hellhole? The absolute most fatal flaw of this product is its framerate.... or the lack thereof. If any more than two sprites come onscreen, the framerate will instantaneously dip. Sometimes, it even drops for no reason whatsoever. If the game tries to pull off a demanding graphical effect, the game runs at no more than 5 fps. This framerate can also raise again out of nowhere, screwing around with Sonic's momentum and physics, which can and will fuck you up. This, in combination with the already unspeakably loathsome controls, make this game legitimately unplayable. ...phew... What's next? The... difficulty? Oh boy. Difficulty This game's difficulty is about as artificial as Kim Kardashian's fat fucking ass. Like I mentioned in the gameplay section, the horrific screen crunch, awful controls, and unbearable framerate and physics are the only reasons why this game is probably the hardest game I've yet played. The hitboxes are also horrific, with moving stage hazards that can crush you out of nowhere (quite literally), and enemies that kill you even though you barely touch them. There is another reason (and an even larger one) why the game is so difficult, though : the continue system. This game does have a "save feature", but it's absolute ass. The game autosaves when you beat a zone. If you get a game over, you have to select the zone you were last on, and are required to start the whole zone over again. Sure, it also worked like that in Sonic 3 & Knuckles, but at least that game was well-designed and fun enough for me to dismiss it as a minor flaw. Also, that game only had TWO acts per zone, which were generally not very long, compared to the THREE LONG ACTS of ''EACH AND EVERY ZONE in this game! Thankfully, I was playing this on an emulator, and therefore, had access to savestates. I genuinely believe that this game would be 100% impossible ''to beat without them. It may be possible, but I seriously doubt it. The bosses, which I'll briefly touch on, are terrible due to the framerate and control issues. They weren't that hard in the original Genesis version, but in this game, like I said, are ruined because of its rampant flaws. Soundtrack 'OH DEAR GOD, MY EARS!!!!' This soundtrack is EASILY the WORST soundtrack I've ever had my ears be raped by in any video game I've ever played (nice sentence). It's got all of the original classic tracks... except with ear-grating instrument samples and eardrum-bursting bit crunch. Sure, the GBA doesn't have the best sound hardware ever, but Sonic Team could have at least 'TRIED 'to make the soundtrack sound at least decent. But no, they were too busy jerking off with onion rings to even bother. Graphics The graphics are ok, I guess, but they comprimise the gameplay due to how large they are. I mentioned screen crunch earlier, and this is the main reason why. Sonic takes up about a ninth of the screen, and the enemies don't take up any less (pretty much). There's absolutely NO REASON why Sonic Team couldn't have made the game look good without making the sprites so huge that the "game" becomes worse off for it. Conclusion HOLY LORD ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN ABOVE. This, this piece of absolute SHIT is, without a doubt, the WORST Sonic game I have EVER played. No, fuck that, actually, it's the absolute WORST VIDEO GAME I HAVE EVER PLAYED. Sure, I hate NES Jaws, Top Gun, Top Gun Second Mission, and Monster Party, but Sonic Genesis for GBA trumps even their putrid awfulness, in my opinion. Even though I have said that I don't like Super Mario Bros. : The Lost Levels or the SNES version of Donkey Kong Country 3... well, at least those games were ''playable. At least DKC3 SNES was merely mediocre. At least Lost Levels was bearable to play for more than 30 seconds despite its awful level design. After playing this, I've gained a new appreciation for the Genesis version. Even if it was somewhat flawed on its own, it was still a pretty good game... AND AT LEAST IT WAS WAY BETTER THAN THIS BULLSHIT! I don't do ratings anymore in these reviews, because I don't want the review to be boiled down to a number. However, for this "game," I'll make an exception. The rating I'll shove up the ass of this pile of shit is a 0.01/10. Why a 0.01? Because, even if they do compromise the gameplay, the graphics are at least decent (it hurts a lot to compliment this horseshit). I don't recommend you play this game at all, unless you're deathly curious, are on a quest to play every single Sonic game in existence, or if you're a masochist who likes to feel pain. That's it, I'm done. Good night, everyone. Category:Blog posts